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Smart replies from maintenance crew.

Here are some tech log entries by pilots and the subsequent smart arse replies from their maintenance crews. Maybe there’s one you havn’t heard before (many times)?

NOTE: (P) represents the Pilot’s entry
(E) is the Engineer’s entry

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) No. 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That’s what they’re there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right,” and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Pilot’s clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.

(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

(P) No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

(P) – Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) – Suspect you’re right.

(P) – Mouse in cockpit.
(E) – Cat installed.

(P) – Ghostly creaking from airstairs
(E) – Airstairs lubricated and exorcised.

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